March 2019

A letter to my future child, from your infertile mother

I always speak to you in my mind, but I thought putting something down in words might better be able to reach you.

I just want you to know that we are still fighting for you. We have not given up. We truly believe that you are still out there somewhere, and we can’t wait for the day when you will come home to us.

I’ll admit, there have been many moments when I have wanted to give up. The feelings of failure and heartbreak often become too much, and I just want the pain to stop. I want to stop living in this limbo somewhere between hope and fear.

But what would happen if we gave up? We would still be heartbroken; the pain would still be there. You will never leave us, because we simply cannot accept a life without you in it.

The only reason I still go on is because of your daddy. He is by far the best person I have ever known and I can’t wait for you to meet him. There would be nothing he wouldn’t do for you, nothing he wouldn’t support you in and no end to the love he would show you. I just want to give him that chance. How will I ever live with myself if I can’t do that for him? So please, baby, hurry up and get here so we can show you how much we would love you, how much fun we would have and what a great little family we would be. And that includes your furry big brother Roman, who I know would love you as though you were his own little puppy. You will have to get used to the licks on the face I’m afraid, but that is how he shows you that he loves you.

Over the next few months we are going to try for you again, and I promise you from the bottom of my heart that I will do everything in my power to make it work. I will trust in my body and use all of its strength to help you along. I will keep calm in my mind and make you a warm and comfortable home, so please try and cling on as much as you can. I promise I will do the best I possibly can to bring you home to us. We so long to meet you and see your face.

All my love

Mummy xx

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