Time & Punishment

It’s been a while since my last blog post so I thought I would do a little update as to what’s been happening with our fertility journey since my last post in December.

As I mentioned previously, Dave and I sat down at the start of December and had a serious chat about our plan for 2019. After discussing various options, we both agreed that we weren’t ready to give up on our desire to have a baby, so we made the decision to do one last round of IVF. To be honest I would rather stick needles in my eyes than do another cycle, but I don’t want to have any regrets and look back when it’s too late and wish we had done just one more round. When we started our IVF journey we always said that 3 would be the maximum we would do, so I feel I need to really give it my all and if we fail, at least we’ll go down fighting.

If our third attempt results in a failed cycle, our next move is to do more research into adoption and see if it is something we would like to consider. To be perfectly honest adoption is something I have always felt inclined towards and I would be eager to do this even if we did manage to have our own child, but we both feel that we need more information on the process and what’s involved etc.

This is where we were in December and it definitely made us feel more in control and organised in terms of where we were headed.

However, as the old saying goes “we make plans and God laughs”, as life had something else in store for us this Christmas.

As you all know, I have always been very open when it comes to our fertility journey and I have shared every high and low that we have faced. However, there is something stopping me wanting to share so much at the moment. I think the main reason is because I’m just fed up of being a failure. I’m fed up of never being able to conquer my infertility and most of all I’m fed up of moaning about it and letting it get in the way of life. Therefore, I’m only going to briefly touch on what happened and not go into too much detail.

In a nutshell, just after Christmas I discovered I was pregnant. Yes, I know what you’re thinking; I’m infertile.  However, I have always still had the chance of getting pregnant naturally since it is only one of my fallopian tubes that is blocked. The fertility clinic has said in the past that my blocked tube must always be the preferred one and therefore that is why I have never before managed to get pregnant naturally. But this time I did. We actually did it, all on our own. No hormones, no needles, no fertility clinic, just us and our dream.

However, by January it was all over and I had miscarried away another baby. Just like that. Oh, how I hate my broken body.

There is no point in me writing paragraph after paragraph of how we felt, as you will know well enough the emotions we were experiencing. All our dreams ripped apart at the seams again, with barely enough time to even accept and digest the good news. Another life that could have been, another failure.

I made the conscious effort this time that I wasn’t going to allow myself to wallow. I was going to keep busy and I’ve actually been using a brain training technique to make myself not think about it. And it’s actually been working, but of course there are times when it all gets too much and my anxiety just washes over me like a wave. However, I’m trying really, really hard this time to be stronger.

As for our plans for 2019? Who knows. Most days at the moment I feel like I want to take the infertility, IVF and baby portion of our lives, put it in a box, tape it up, put it in the loft and never take it down again. But when our hearts still long so much for a baby what good will that do? Until that yearning goes away, we have to keep trying.

We are undecided on our plans at the moment, and I am so fed up of the entire topic. I’m fed up of never being able to beat my infertility, fed up of it never being our turn, fed up of my stupid body that doesn’t work properly and fed up of seeing pregnant people or new mothers everywhere I go and letting it get to me.

As ever, I will keep you updated with our next steps, but for the moment we are just trying to keep busy, spend plenty of time together and just enjoy life.