July 2017, Uncategorized

Am I meant to be a mother?

Sometimes I wonder if my infertility is trying to tell me something. I’m a big believer in the old adage that everything happens for a reason. You could be going through a very bad spell in life, or things have gone wrong and I always think that someway, somehow you will come out the other side and in a strange sort of way, you’ll be glad you went through that time.

This has happened a few times over the course of my life; it’s how I met Dave! So I really thought that after going through our infertility struggle, there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, and when we finally became parents we would look back fondly and be glad we went through what we did as it would make us more grateful for what we had then achieved.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m losing my hope, every day, little by little. After our miscarriage I kept saying to Dave “Why us?”, something I’m sure every couple struggling with infertility ask themselves many times. And Dave’s answer was always the same “So you can write about it”. He knows how much I love writing, and how cathartic it is for me to put down my thoughts and feelings on the screen. By sharing our story, we were sure it would help others; after all we weren’t one of those couples who did IVF once and became pregnant; we had now turned into a couple who were experiencing different aspects of infertility which meant I could connect with more and more people going through the same thing. And the blog has really been a tremendous thing. Over the year and a half, I’ve had countless messages from people reaching out, giving advice or just wanting to chat and share their story. I’ve also connected with some amazing women who I know I’ll be friends with forever, and it’s great to see how their journeys have progressed alongside mine.

However, that’s the problem. My journey isn’t progressing. Here we are on the precipice of our third round of IVF and I’m now having serious doubts about whether this is something I want to do. I’ve started to think that maybe the universe is trying to tell me something.

Sometimes in life, I feel you’re best not to force things too much. What if you wish for something so much, and then you get it and it’s not at all what you imagined? What if we keep doing IVF and finally get pregnant and then I’m a terrible mother? Or I can’t cope with the baby? Or I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing and I start to wonder why I ever wanted a child? I don’t think there’s many people in my family friends or infertility community who would want to listen me complain about how hard it is being a mother after so many years of wishing for a baby! I understand those feelings are fairly common, especially for first time mums. I’ve had friends who have struggled, feeling like they’re failing at every turn and never being able to please the baby. One friend used to text me at teatime and tell me she’d only just showered and had nothing to show for her day except looking after her baby! And I used to chuckle to myself and think “but that’s what you’re supposed to be doing! That’s the fun of it all! That’s motherhood!”. And she coped, got through that stage and is a terrific mother. But I guess I’m just scared that it won’t be everything we’ve dreamed of for so long, that I just won’t be good enough. And then what? Or even worse, I’m terrified that we never get to that stage at all. We keep punishing ourselves with more IVF cycles and just come out battered and bruised with nothing to show for it but huge bills and broken spirits.

In the end, maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother. Maybe we should just accept our life the way it is and move on. I’m finding it increasingly hard to see any happy ending in sight; the image I’ve had in my head for years of us creating a family, bringing our own baby home and enjoying every aspect of parenthood is fading day by day. Meanwhile people around us are moving forward in their lives; getting pregnant, raising children, getting promoted, doing SOMETHING. At the moment, I’m doing nothing but now deliberating about another round of IVF that fills me with so much dread I feel physically sick when I think about it.

In the end, what’s meant to be will always find its way; I just wish I knew what that was.

 

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9 thoughts on “Am I meant to be a mother?”

  1. I completely disagree… in that I think you ARE meant to be a mother. I think it’s crap that infertility only affects people who would be bad parents and I will fight that stigma till the day I die. There are tons of bad parents who are extremely fertile and many great parents who had to adopt to grow their family. It’s just bad biology luck. It’s not something you did and it’s not the world telling you something. It just sucks. I know it feels hopeless. I had 7 failed embryo transfers using an egg donor (2 IVF cycles). We weren’t successful until embryo number eight and our third IVF using an egg donor. Going in thought I would never become pregnant and it was a waste of time to do our third cycle. Keep trudging lady. Doubts are normal, and parenting isn’t easy, but if your time comes you are going to rock it. If you want to be a parent bad enough to do IVF you are pretty committed to being as good of a parent as you can.

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    1. Thank you so much for saying that. You’re right; there are plenty of people who have child after child, and can’t look after them properly. Makes it even harder for infertile people to watch that and wonder why it’s allowed to happen like that. I’m so pleased it has finally worked for you; hopefully one day we will all fulfil our dreams and as you say, until then we must keep fighting. Lots of love xx

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  2. I hear you. What if the blessing you’re trying to ‘force,’ actually becomes your curse?

    I don’t see it happening that way. You’ll be too conscious of how you got there to ever hate it.

    I wanted to adopt for years. But our adoptee is special needs. It’s hard. Painful. Expensive. But I’ve never thought, “Maybe we shouldn’t have adopted. We should have been fine with the things we HAD berm given.” I honestly believe even if parenting will be harder, you’ll be stronger. You WILL be an awesome parent. You’re already asking the right, responsible questions.

    I wish you all the bedroom with this attempt. I won’t tell you it will work. But I will wish you well.

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    1. Yes that’s my worry exactly. Not that I would complain; I believe what’s for you won’t pass you by, I just don’t want to force something that perhaps isn’t meant to be in the first place. Wow that must be tough for you, but I understand what you’re saying; we wouldn’t have signed up for this journey if we hadn’t been willing to take all the ups and downs along the way.
      Thank you so much for your support, it really means a lot. xx

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I would love to tell you not to give up; but only we know when enough is enough. That’s the battle I’m having with myself at the moment. I wish you all the love and luck with whatever you decide. Always here if you want to chat xx

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  3. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I recently told my husband that I never thought our treatment would work. He asked me why on earth I therefore kept going, I said I had a pinprick of hope. And that’s all you need. Our lives have been on hold for the best part of four years and it’s hard and I resent it, but it’s what we needed to do to give it the best chance. I used to believe that everything happens for a reason, then there’s some universal power controlling things. I don’t anymore. Bad things happen to good people and I can see no sane reason why. Life is not fair, those who work the hardest do not get the most and those who’ve had a tough time do not get the break they deserve. All I can do is keep pushing in the direction I want to go in and hope something goes my way. You can only do what you can do and you’re an incredibly strong woman, don’t forget that. Lots of love xxxx

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    1. Definitely Jess; a small amount of hope is all you need, and look how it turned out for you guys! I look at your situation and think “imagine if you hadn’t given it another go”, and I wonder if we should just go for another round in case it works. But how often can you do that for? It’s so hard, I’m at the stage I wish someone would make the decision for me! Reading your story and many others definitely gives me hope that it can work. I was in a very negative place going into our second round and I got pregnant! Ok it didn’t last but I was actually pregnant and that’s what I need to try and remember. Thanks for commenting, I really appreciate your support. Lots of love xxxx

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      1. There is definitely a fine line between keeping going and becoming obsessed. The trouble is that it can always be ‘the next one’ which works and there’s no way to know. It is addictive. One consultant said to us, if you can afford to keep going and can mentally and physically take another round, then do it. Only stop when the money runs out or the physical or mental health has taken too much of a battering. Ultimately only you can decide. I always felt that as long as we were making progress, learning something to help, then I’d keep going. Making the decision to stop must be the hardest decision ever and I respect anyone with the strength to do that, I don’t know when I would. Love talking to you, take care, lots of love xxxx

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