Where does the phrase ‘third time lucky’ come from? Why do people always say this? Using the ever-trusty google I discovered it is associated with the ancient myth that 3 is a lucky number based on its association with the holy trinity of Christianity. Ok……….. Not quite sure that reason is a solid enough one for me, however at this point I’m willing to believe in anything to make this old saying come true.
Yes, after months of back and forth, deliberating, discussing and weighing up, we have decided to go forward with our third round of IVF. Are we scared? Yes, terrified, but in a way I’m relieved that we finally have a plan. It’s been so great having time off since the last round and our miscarriage last October and I really feel like I’ve become myself again and resumed normal life. However, as much as you try to escape infertility, you never really can. Especially if having a child is still the thing you wish for most in the world, as it is for us. There’s been many times I wished that we could have just decided we’d done all we could and just accept that we would never have a child and move on with our lives. However, we both know we’re not ready to give up yet, and until that fight is gone from you, I think you have to explore what’s out there and what more you can do.
As much as it’s been lovely having a break from the pills, injections, clinic visits and general stress, it’s also been a time of limbo for me. Anyone who knows me knows how much I’ve always valued my career and I’ve worked very hard throughout my life to obtain my qualifications and work my way up the career ladder. Taking time off from work 3 years ago was supposed to be a temporary measure. Things had really got on top of me between recovering from e-coli, doing my Masters degree, working full time and planning our wedding, and basically I just burned out. The idea was that I would take a few months off then go back to work, however in that time I was diagnosed with infertility and our IVF journey began, meaning that I never actually went back to full time work. Of course I have my jewellery business which keeps me busy but there have been times when I really miss my career, I miss the hustle and bustle of the office, the stressful clients which I often complained about but secretly revelled in, and most importantly I miss being good at something. Being at home every day definitely has its advantages, especially when the weather is amazing like it is now! And of course Roman definitely loves having me to himself throughout the day and it means he is rarely left on his own, which is a bonus. However, when I was working I somehow felt important; like I was making a difference, a contribution. I like to think my colleagues would say I was good at my job, and every day was a learning curve. Now I feel like my brain cells are being depleted every day and I miss having a purpose in life.
I decided at the start of the year that I wanted to start looking for a job again. At that point I was so angry at the whole subject of IVF and infertility and I didn’t want anything to do with it. I wanted to be as far away from that world as possible and I knew that by going back to work I would regain self-esteem and establish a new focus for myself. However, it turned out not to be that easy. Every day that passed I was still tormented about not being a mother and with my 36th birthday looming in May I knew that time was running out. Dave and I spoke about doing IVF many times over those months and I knew that I still wasn’t ready to head back into that life. It had taken so much from me the previous year and I had only just started to feel like myself again. My self-confidence had taken a huge battering and my anxiety was at an all-time high, so we agreed to wait a little longer and discuss it again in a couple of months time. This put me in such a quandary with regards to getting a job. How could I apply for jobs in all good conscience knowing that potentially in a few months I would needs loads of time off for another IVF cycle? That wasn’t fair to an employer and I’ve always known that working at the same time as doing a cycle was not something I would ever be able to do, so I delayed my job search yet again.
At the start of June we visited Paris, a lifelong dream of mine, and it was everything I wanted it to be and more. I’ve never visited a place that just truly matched every aspect of my personality as well as Paris did. It was such an amazing trip and being there and feeling so free and happy gave me a new perspective on life. When we came back, after 8 months of recovering, I finally felt ready for another cycle. I talked it over with Dave and he agreed that we needed to give it another shot. So here we are. Ramping up for round 3. At the moment it looks like we will start at the end of August/beginning of September with the initial drugs as we have things on before then and I want to enjoy as much of the summer as I can without feeling rubbish. The time will also give me a chance to tighten up on my clean eating, stopping drinking and get my head in the right space for another cycle.
We’ve decided we’re going to throw everything we can at this round. If it doesn’t work we’re not sure whether we would do it again. Initially we always said 3 was the maximum we would do, but who knows. Here’s hoping we won’t have that decision to make and this is the round that finally makes our dreams come true.
As usual I will be blogging throughout the cycle so you will all be kept updated with how we progress. Thanks as ever for the continued support we receive from so many people. It really means the world to us and keeps us going through these challenging times.