Due Date Heartbreak

Today, the 5^th of May 2018, was the due date for our baby that never arrived. With all my heart I wish that when we went for our scan back in September, the nurse hadn’t told us our due date before the scan took place and we discovered we had miscarried. Although we would have known the baby would have been due around now, to have an exact date is very hard. In the weeks leading up to today I’ve been thinking a lot about how we would feel and what we should do, if anything, to mark the day.

It’s hard to think how different our lives would be now if the pregnancy had carried on. Would the baby have arrived yet? How big would my bump have been? What would our nursery look like? It’s very hard to imagine how we would be feeling and how much excitement there would be building in our house. And yet here we still are, the nursery is still sitting empty and we are no closer to bringing a baby home.

I don’t really have anything else to say; it’s a hard one, I don’t know how to feel or what to do, but we just have to try and focus on the positives and thankfully we are not ready to give up yet so we will continue our fight to hopefully bring a baby home one day soon.

For now I will end with a poem I found that perfectly sums up how we feel today.

 Angel of my Tears

How do you love a person

Who never got to be?

Or try to envision a face

You never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one

Who never got to live?

When there’s nothing to feel good about

And nothing to forgive?

I love you my little baby

My companion of the night

Wandering through my lonely hours

Beautiful and bright

What does it mean to die before

You were ever born?

To live the lovely night of life

And never see the dawn?

Ah my little baby

You lived like anyone

Life’s a burst of joy and pain

And then, like yours, it’s done

I love you my little baby

Just as if you’d lived for years

No more, no less I think of you

The angel of my tears.