January 2018

New Year, New Hope

Happy New Year to you all; I hope you all had a great time over the festivities!

We had such a great Christmas and New Year with family and friends, despite initially dreading it.  However, I kept myself busy by hosting Christmas this year so took great delight in getting the house all organised and cooking up a feast! Our plan for New Year was to stay close to home; I always find New Year such an emotional time anyway, especially when I hear the traditional Scottish hogmanany tune of Auld Lang Syne. There’s something about that song that just makes me weep and I was so scared of breaking down with memories of what we had so nearly had in 2017. However, my mum and dad suggested we go over to their house which we did and we ended up having a lovely evening with mum and dad, one of my brothers and one of my nieces. We had a beautiful roast dinner, played games, had some drinks and then rang the bells in together. I was quite proud of myself that when the time came I managed to swallow down my emotions and we got through it with lots of laughs as usual. And just like that, Christmas and New Year were over with lots of happy memories made once again.

What made our New Year even better was that on New Year’s Eve Dave surprised me with a trip to Paris in February! Paris is somewhere I have dreamt about since I was a little girl and have always wanted to visit but surprisingly have never been despite it only being a couple of hours flight from the UK. When I think about it now, I think I’ve been waiting to go with that very special person at a very special time. And right now seems to be that time where we need a good distraction and some cheering up as we have started 2018 feeling quite overwhelmed that we have no set plan in place with regards to more IVF.

After the miscarriage we agreed to have a break, which has been really great as at the time I couldn’t even contemplate doing another cycle. I thought as time went on I would come round to the idea of going back and trying again, but the opposite seems to have happened. The longer I’ve been away and got back to some sort of normality, the more I fear going back again. I absolutely dread putting not only our emotions through that again, but also my body. Even now I’m still suffering effects – your body is completely taken over and it take months to get that control back again. The thought of going back through all that again is a scary thought; never mind all the additional worry and stress of another possible miscarriage.

Dave and I have talked all this through and he completely understands my reservations. However, despite everything I’ve said, I’m also not sure I’m ready to give up just yet. We’ve done two cycles, one negative, one positive (which turned into a negative), so I do feel we have something to work with. The clinic say the fact I got pregnant is a huge positive and should definitely give us hope for another round, and I know they’re right. If we give up after two rounds I know a part of me will always wonder what might have happened if we’d given it just one more go. Of course the catch-22 is that we could say the same after round three, or round four and then before you know it we could be on our tenth cycle! We know there comes a point where you have to draw a line under it; we just don’t think we’re there yet.

Another thing we have revisited is adoption. We had always thought ourselves open to this as an option after IVF if we’d exhausted all our opportunities there. However after the miscarriage we spoke about it again and decided it wasn’t for us. I think coming so close to having a child of our own made us realise if we couldn’t have that, we didn’t want anything. However, as the weeks have gone on we’ve started to have a change of heart again and have been speaking about it more often. And then strangely enough when we went to a New Year’s party I ended up sitting next to a woman who works for an adoption charity. I started asking her lots of questions about her work and she wanted to know why I was so curious so I ended up telling her our story. We spoke for a long time and she really made me think about adoption differently. I mentioned to her the fears I have regarding adoption and she immediately alleviated them, telling me you only ever hear the horror stories, most cases actually work out very well. She told me some lovely stories about children she had placed with families and it really made so happy to hear that kids who so desperately just needed some love, have found their happy ever after.

I’m a big believer in fate and I feel like maybe there was a reason we ended up sitting next to each other at the party and chatting. Who knows. It’s definitely something to think about.

For the meantime, however, we are just going to wait and see what happens. We should be hearing from the clinic within the next month or so to tell us we’re at the top of the NHS waiting list, and then we’ll make a decision whether to go for another cycle or whether we need more time. Until then, it’s all about Paris…….

New-Year-New-Beginnings

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6 thoughts on “New Year, New Hope”

  1. So pleased you had a good Christmas and new year! I hope 2018 is a good year for you and Dave, let’s hope and wait and see in the mean time take care and enjoy your Paris trip next month.
    Best wishes to you both!

    Claire x

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  2. Paris will be amazing! It sounds like you are doing the right thing in taking time to make decisions, sometimes taking a step back brings clarity. I too was in the place of not wanting to do more IVF and it took a while to make the decision…and that’s ok xx

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  3. Hi, I have just stumbled across your blog in the wee small hours as I am suffering with the later part of Overian Hyper Stimulation after my first round ( incomplete – one embryo frozen). So not sleeping and going over and over things in my head.
    I am so sorry that you suffered a miscarriage ( I know how painful that process is having suffered four miscarriages naturally)
    I found what you said about not being ready to return for treatment yet so reassuring. My desire to have our own child is so strong but this OHS has knocked me for six! I have been feeling bad about not wanting to consider IVF again for a while. Unfortunately I have time constraints as I am 40 in Oct so got to get all the NHS treatment in by then.
    Paris is a wonderful idea and great idea to get away from it all and enjoy yourselves. Plus eat and drink what you like. Feed your soul and senses. Best tonic!
    Adoption is such a worthy road and we would strongly consider that route to parenthood also.
    Whatever you decide I hope love and strength carry you through and you will have a family in whatever form that may come to you.

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    1. Hi there, I am so sorry for the delay in replying, I read your message in the middle of the night and forgot about it the next day 🙈
      I’m so very sorry you’ve got OHSS, how awful for you, you must be just exhausted. I know the feeling of going over and over things in your head; I wish I had an off button for my brain most of the time.
      I’m also so sorry about your 4 miscarriages; I don’t think it’s something we will ever get over is it? It’s so hard to come to terms with and yes that’s why I completely don’t feel ready yet for another round and I totally understand why you don’t, especially after going through all this. I know so many women who just jump straight back into cycle after cycle but really I just feel like if I’m not physically or emotionally ready as much as I can be then it’s just a waste of treatment. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way!
      Anyway please keep in touch and let me know how you get on, I hope you’re feeling some better. Please please look after yourself and take some much needed rest.
      Paris tomorrow so can’t wait to get there and treat ourselves! Although it’s a winter wonderland there just now so getting there might prove difficult but it’s all in the fun lol.
      Thanks so much for getting in touch, sending you so much love xxx

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