Shattered Hearts

This will be a very short blog post just with an update of our current situation.

I am aware that I haven’t uploaded a blog post for a while, for very good reason. I had already started drafting what it was going to say and how I was going to announce the absolutely joyful news that after our 2 week wait of IVF cycle 2 we got a positive pregnancy test. We were wary of telling the world too soon, and therefore wanted to wait until we had at least some reassurance, but in our excitement told quite a lot of our friends and family.

I’m sure you can imagine the absolute elation we felt when we saw the second line on that test. I never thought it was possible; the 2 week wait had been a miserable time and I had even had a small bleed half way through week 2 which I felt sure meant it was over. But when it went as quickly as it came I had a small gleam of hope that it might have been implantation bleeding, and sure enough it obviously was. All our dreams had come true and after so much waiting and worrying, I finally had little Baby Reid growing inside me.

At the time of our test the fertility clinic count you as being approximately 4 and a half weeks pregnant so we were given an appointment for a scan at 7 weeks. This is a big moment for IVF patients as if you make it through the 7 week scan you are discharged from the fertility clinic and transferred over to your own midwife like any ‘normal’ pregnant couple. We couldn’t wait for that day when we would no longer have to go in the fertility door at the hospital and could instead go in the maternity door.

The time until our scan dragged and dragged but finally the day arrived, which was yesterday. Monday 18^th of September. A day I will never forget. We arrived early for our appointment and thankfully got taken early. I felt so nervous I had begun to pace the floor of the waiting room, but were relieved when we realised it was one of our favourite nurses who would be doing the scan. A few minutes into the scan she told us the heart-breaking news that she couldn’t see anything. She called in another nurse to double check, but the truth was plain to see on the screen; there was no baby there, our baby was gone.

I won’t even begin to try and find words for how we feel. Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or something similar will know, but to try and describe it to anyone else is almost impossible. I just remember screaming into Dave’s chest “that was our baby, that was our baby”.

To add insult to injury the clinic called this morning to say that the second pregnancy test they made me do at the clinic to confirm I wasn’t pregnant actually turned out to be positive after we had left. So I have to repeat a pregnancy test next Monday and if it is still positive I will have to go in for further investigation. We know there is no baby, but it’s as though my mind and my body just won’t accept it.

One of the hardest things about yesterday was that before she even did the scan the nurse gave us our due date. I know she didn’t do this out of malice, I think she just thought, as we did, that everything would be fine. But that date will be etched on our minds forever.

After everything we’ve been through, Baby Reid came and stayed only for a short while. We will never know why, but we love and miss you so much and wish you would come back.

* 5.5.18 *