September 2017

Shattered Hearts

This will be a very short blog post just with an update of our current situation.

I am aware that I haven’t uploaded a blog post for a while, for very good reason. I had already started drafting what it was going to say and how I was going to announce the absolutely joyful news that after our 2 week wait of IVF cycle 2 we got a positive pregnancy test. We were wary of telling the world too soon, and therefore wanted to wait until we had at least some reassurance, but in our excitement told quite a lot of our friends and family.

I’m sure you can imagine the absolute elation we felt when we saw the second line on that test. I never thought it was possible; the 2 week wait had been a miserable time and I had even had a small bleed half way through week 2 which I felt sure meant it was over. But when it went as quickly as it came I had a small gleam of hope that it might have been implantation bleeding, and sure enough it obviously was. All our dreams had come true and after so much waiting and worrying, I finally had little Baby Reid growing inside me.

At the time of our test the fertility clinic count you as being approximately 4 and a half weeks pregnant so we were given an appointment for a scan at 7 weeks. This is a big moment for IVF patients as if you make it through the 7 week scan you are discharged from the fertility clinic and transferred over to your own midwife like any ‘normal’ pregnant couple. We couldn’t wait for that day when we would no longer have to go in the fertility door at the hospital and could instead go in the maternity door.

The time until our scan dragged and dragged but finally the day arrived, which was yesterday. Monday 18th of September. A day I will never forget. We arrived early for our appointment and thankfully got taken early. I felt so nervous I had begun to pace the floor of the waiting room, but were relieved when we realised it was one of our favourite nurses who would be doing the scan. A few minutes into the scan she told us the heart-breaking news that she couldn’t see anything. She called in another nurse to double check, but the truth was plain to see on the screen; there was no baby there, our baby was gone.

I won’t even begin to try and find words for how we feel. Anyone who has suffered a miscarriage or something similar will know, but to try and describe it to anyone else is almost impossible. I just remember screaming into Dave’s chest “that was our baby, that was our baby”.

To add insult to injury the clinic called this morning to say that the second pregnancy test they made me do at the clinic to confirm I wasn’t pregnant actually turned out to be positive after we had left. So I have to repeat a pregnancy test next Monday and if it is still positive I will have to go in for further investigation. We know there is no baby, but it’s as though my mind and my body just won’t accept it.

One of the hardest things about yesterday was that before she even did the scan the nurse gave us our due date. I know she didn’t do this out of malice, I think she just thought, as we did, that everything would be fine. But that date will be etched on our minds forever.

After everything we’ve been through, Baby Reid came and stayed only for a short while. We will never know why, but we love and miss you so much and wish you would come back.

* 5.5.18 *

 

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11 thoughts on “Shattered Hearts”

  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I only know you though your blog, but my heart breaks for you and your husband. Please don’t give up hope. You’ve brought me comfort in your blogs along the way, as we are on the same long journey as you! Keep your head up and just know that everything WILL be okay in the end. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end of your journey.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss… I hope and wish that the scan was not informative and that your baby is happily growing in your tummy. It is so hard when you deal with infertility and it is equally hard when you see other people going through it as well. I hope we will all enjoy motherhood very very soon and all the heartache we experienced so far will be just a bad memory. *hugs*

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  3. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. There just aren’t words. I know nothing I say can help. Life is so unfair and I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. Take good care, be kind to yourself, look after each other. Sending love ❤️ xx

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  4. This sucks, I’m so sorry. It’s been 13 months since my miscarriage at 9 weeks during our 4th cycle of DEIVF and while ultimately it gets easier, it takes a hell of a long time and the scars are always there. Do what you have to do for you, and be gentle on yourself. Don’t do anything that anyone tells you you “should” do. If you don’t want to leave the house, don’t leave the house. If you want to scream and shout, do that.

    PS – And fuck the people who want you to do another pregnancy test after you found out your baby died, that’s just messed up shit. I was in the ER a couple months after mine and they required I take a pregnancy test even though I told them I was not and it made me sick to my stomach.

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