Last week we had our follow up appointment at the fertility clinic. This was to go over our last cycle, identify any potential problem areas and make a plan for moving forward.
I don’t know what I was expecting before we went in. Obviously our cycle failed so I knew it wouldn’t be a pleasant chat, but I really wasn’t expecting the doctor to tell us that our cycle had been pretty near perfect! Apart from the outcome, obviously.
We went over the egg number, quality, fertilisation process, looked at the charts which measure the growth and splitting of the embryos, and everything was above average and right on track with where it should have been.
One part of me wanted to give myself a pat on the back, especially when the doctor said I was a good girl and did everything I was supposed to do. Cue me with a big cheesy grin on my face feeling like I’d just passed my driving test again. On the other hand however, I felt angry. How could everything have gone so perfectly yet it still didn’t work? Of course we knew the odds going into it, and they are crummy, but I half expected to go to that appointment hearing that my egg quality was bad, or they didn’t fertilise correctly, or my womb hadn’t been ready to receive the embryo. But no, essentially she had no bad news for us. Which begs the question why didn’t it blo*dy work??
The doctor recommended we follow the exact same protocol for our next round, which we were happy about as it meant we had more of an idea what would be happening the second time around. Looking back, we were so naïve going into our first cycle. It was literally the blind leading the blind as we had no idea the trauma we would have to go through and every time we left the clinic I asked Dave “what did they say?”, “what am I supposed to do?”. I have never in my life felt so unintelligent, but the information you got bombarded with each time you went for an appointment was so overwhelming that it was impossible to remember everything they said. Also, the nurses talk at warp speed because they see 50 people like me a day, so for them it’s nothing new, but for us we couldn’t have felt more lost!
This time, at least, we feel more in control. We were passed over to one of the nurses who went over the 8-10 week cycle again and I found myself nodding and finishing her sentences for her. I know what I’m doing. And frankly, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Now I know what’s ahead of me and know that I basically have to resign myself to feeling terrible for 2 months.
Our official cycle start date is the 1st of July, so the next couple of weeks is going to be spent trying to get myself into a positive mind-set. As silly as it sounds, at the moment, I can’t think of anything worse than starting another round. Of course we are as desperate as ever to have a child, but I’m not desperate to put my body and my mind through the hurt again, so my positivity books will be making an appearance again, and I’ll be starting the cycle with my positive pants firmly on. Otherwise what’s the point?
As of today, we are off on holiday! We have never felt more in need of a holiday than we do right now, so I can’t wait to get there and chill out with a book and cocktail in hand! Although we are only away for 1 week, hubby has got 2 weeks off work so I won’t be posting anything on my blog in that time as we want to just have some relaxing couple time. Hopefully the next time I speak to you it will be from a very positive place!