As some of you may know, I made the decision when starting my blog to run the posts a few weeks behind our actual IVF treatment. That way, if we did fall pregnant we would have a grace period of safety before announcing it on my blog.
Despite only having recently covered the topic of the hormone injection portion of the treatment, we thought we would give you an update on where we are to date.
We had our lovely strong little embryo implanted 2 weeks ago and were due to carry out our pregnancy test today. However, during the course of this week I started bleeding very heavily, and the fertility clinic told us more than likely that the IVF had failed. Unfortunately we still had to do the pregnancy test today just to be 100% sure, however it confirmed our worst fears; we are not pregnant.
At the moment, it is very hard to describe the emotions that we are feeling. The main one of course is heartbreak. For the past 2 months we have put everything we have into this programme of treatment and it has been extremely hard as well emotionally, physically and mentally draining. We have tried to bear every stage with a feeling of positivity and a smile, holding onto the hope that it would work. And we were incredibly lucky that every stage went well and we always left the clinic feeling hopeful that our little baby wouldn’t be far away.
After I had the embryo implanted, I could feel things happening inside, which they say is a sign of the embryo implanting itself into your womb. I could feel myself making a little baby, and every morning and every night Dave would kiss my belly and say hello to our little “embaby”.
Yet it was not to be. I feel so stupid for being naïve enough to think it would work the first time. I feel angry at myself for not being able to make a baby and I feel angry at my body for letting me down.
Mostly though, we just feel really sad. I have cried more than I thought possible this week and just can’t stop thinking about what might have been.. I am sad for the baby that we so very nearly had; sad that all that treatment was for nothing, and sad that once again I have so much love to give and no child to give it to.
I plan to continue my blog as normal, as I still wish to complete writing about the full IVF process as I know many people find it useful to read about what exactly is involved.
Dave and I will of course be starting another round of treatment, however at the moment we are just having a break. My body feels like I’ve been run over by a car several times and our heads are all mixed up, so we are planning to go on holiday, have some time just the two of us and recharge our batteries before starting the gruelling treatment again.
In the meantime we want to from the bottom of our hearts send out so much thanks and love to all the family and friends who have been there for us every step of the way. Your phone calls, texts, facebook messages and chats have meant so much to us and we really appreciate each and every one of you. You know who you are.
Lots of Love and a lot of tears, Rachel & Dave xx