April 2017

Hope

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The Shawshank Redemption is my favourite film of all time, and I have always loved the quote above, said by Andy to Red, in his letter hidden under the wall.

Hope is a beautiful thing and sometimes all we have to hold onto, however lately, to me, hope has become a dangerous thing. It forces you into believing and imagining that the thing you really want, could possibly happen.

For us, obviously the hope is that the IVF works. But beyond that, the hope expands and develops into facets of other things. We hope I have a normal pregnancy, we hope I have normal childbirth, we hope we have a healthy baby, we hope we are good parents, we hope we have a child that grows up to be a good person, and on and on we go. However all those supplementary hopes have sprung up from the first hope; that the IVF works. And can one couple really ever hope to have so many things come true?

I’m terrible for letting my mind wander away with itself, especially when I’m lying in bed at night unable to sleep. So of course I imagine what it would feel like to see a positive pregnancy test for the first time in my life. I try to imagine the absolute joy of telling our family and friends that we’re expecting such a longed for baby, and of course I try to get my head around the fact that I would be growing a tiny baby inside of me, made out of me and Dave.

The feelings of absolute joy and completeness that these images render inside of me are almost too much to bear, because I know that we are so close, but yet we could also be very far away from those dreams ever coming true. So I tell myself not to get carried away, to just concentrate on the here and now. But when it’s something that is so desperately longed for and would bring joy to so many people, it’s really hard to stop.

So what if the IVF doesn’t work? All that hope will be wasted and I know that a great feeling of stupidity and regret will wash over me for allowing myself to hope that much for something.

Of course we have been told by the fertility clinic that the chances of the treatment being successful the first time is pretty low. That being said, there are obviously couples who are successful on the first go so there’s no reason to suggest we couldn’t be one of those couples right? However, the statistics are the statistics and they are borne out of fact, so we have to take them into account and remember that this isn’t just about luck, there’s a lot of science that has to work too.

Of course, if we fail the first time, we will head straight back in and try again. There is no time limit between cycles so if we wish; we can start again straight away. However there is no telling how we will feel if we are faced with first time failure, so at the very least we will probably take some time to recharge our batteries, get our heads in order and most importantly, have some rest.

One thing we both agree on however is that we will do everything within our power to have a baby. Just one healthy baby would make us content for the rest of our lives. And that is something that I will never give up hoping for. Because if you don’t have at least a little bit of hope, then what do you have?

We continue to hope…….as carefully as we can.

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